Month: March 2022

new moon in aries

bruh I hate this blog. okay, that’s not entirely true, but I have a lot of writing that is better put to other ends, so right now I don’t really care enough to ensure this is a thriving source of varied content. but what then do I want from this? I’ve made lots of plans and thought up plenty of ideas for what might be good topics to regularly blog about, but the fact is right now any writing that isn’t going into the novel I’m working on is generally being avoided. a story and some newsletter essays, but that’s it.

I’m in the process of dedicating myself further to my artistic endeavors, trying to make better use of my time, so there’s probably some to be devoted to maintaining a more regular supply of posts here, but fact is, blogging is very low on my priority list. but the idea of having a blog is to have something to offer as evidence of the work i do without the hassle of convincing some website or legacy publication to publish me. and if that’s the idea then I should be writing all kinds of things here, because I write all kinds of things, but with the intention of submitting them for sanctification via publication.

this week is the week I’m thinking of as “starting in earnest” ie making myself work on or plan what’s next in this novel. I’m not hitting the word quotas I made but I’m letting myself get up to speed. because I’m limiting how much more research I do at this stage until I have actual drafts to work with, I don’t have time for anything like that here. but I should do something else here. maybe text generating exercises; cut-ups, algorithmic games, parody, so on. anything to keep me occupied throughout the day so I don’t spiral into despair or distraction, as is my wont. make myself laugh, write jokes, whatever. something every day. let’s do it.

music’s going well too, though of course I have renewed energy and focus for the studio when I should be putting my time in in front of the typewriter.

aries is the sign of the self so this is about me.

[blink-182 voice] work sucks. you know.

recently some of my friends got into a discussion around a general sense of “I don’t know what to do.” with COVID fading into the background, destined to be another source of misery and death for the rest of our lives, and not a single lesson having been learned by the World, any hope that perhaps habits of labor and care might change has proven naive.

at the time of the discussion, I didn’t feel these concerns as acutely as my comrades did/do, since as of late I have been absorbed by writing projects that keep me preoccupied, if not exactly content. plus I’ve been more social in the last few weeks than I have in a long time, finally pinning down some friends of my who have been, let’s say, difficult to reach. but I am always at odds with myself about what I want to do. I have commented on this often, so often that I’m sick of hearing myself talk about it if I’m not going to do anything about it.

there’s something I don’t seem to get, something everyone agreed on at some meeting, or maybe there’s some memo I never received, about the inevitability of conformity, about the necessity of murdering your inner child, along with its ideals for what it means to live well, for the sake of submitting to the world of Work. I understand intellectually, but can’t abide it, not without the vertiginous sense that Death approaches. in my grandiose mode, I mystically imagine ways we as a people might change, what sort of resistance or revolt is necessary to alter course, something I don’t think is impossible like some more melancholic leftists might believe. but absent large-scale political action and organization, the social changes necessary to improve everyone’s lot remain pipe dreams.

I spoke with a friend of mine about all this this morning, about wishing I could quit my job, about the sense that I will need to make certain compromises soon, about feeling like I make too many decisions out of fear. despite being much better off than many people nowadays, I still feel the precarity that by design creates anxiety around employment, health care, etc., and so cannot imagine how exactly to operate without the guardrails of employment.

the conversation made me feel a little better, in that I shouldn’t bother trying to form some escape plan from the straight world and should instead continue to focus on writing, while in the mean time determining what my actual options are, rather than merely the easy/obvious maintenance-of-course ones. like, for example, I could sell my car and with that money I could afford to live without a steady income for quite a while, maybe a year or two. just, as an example.

here are some specific, concrete actions I can take while I continue to assess my options for avoiding regret:

  • first and most importantly, continue writing.
  • sell/get rid of what I don’t need.
  • take stock of what is “necessary” to submit to vis a vis technological control, vs. what is “convenient”/”easy”/”seductive.”
  • make an effort to be more of a diva and a clown, and less of a goody-goody all the time.

many books written nowadays are like, “it’s okay to be sad! I know adulting is hard :). don’t you worry your innocent little head about it, lil buddy. I have an MFA! have you heard of Karl Marx?”

but all the books I love are like, “DARE TO BE GREAT. FAILURE IS INEVITABLE, BUT ACCEPTANCE OF THE GIVEN IS THE MOST PERNICIOUS EVIL. WE ARE CAPABLE OF OUR WILDEST DREAMS, SO LONG AS YOU DO NOT COWER IN FEAR.”

fearing for his sanity, our hero consults an ancient oracle

presently I’m on the edge of falling headlong into this writing project I’ve been prepping for and inching towards for almost 3 years now. when I think through what I believe is required of me to pull off what I want, slash when I consider what I think will ultimately come of the extraordinary effort (nothing), I can’t help but hesitate. every artist of real ambition wants on some level for their art to matter to the World, and anxiety over literature’s ineffectiveness in a culture dominated by mass media and besieged by threats of terrorism, nuclear war and now climate change has been a recurring theme in most of the English-language fiction produced since 1960. so even if ideally I want my work to reach out and grab people by the lapels, it would benefit me if I focus primarily on frantically shaking my own self and hope the effort helps someone else down the line. how I’ll get other people to care about it I don’t know, because if I’m being candid, publishing seems basically impossible.

so with the Con column appearing to outweigh the Pro, I consulted the I Ching about what I ought to know given that it seems inevitable I will ultimately write this thing. the hexagram I threw is hexagram 49, with the top Yin and bottom Yang lines changing to Yang and Yin, becoming hexagram 33.

I Ching Hexagram 49 - Ko
hexagram 49, ko

hexagram 49, ko, translates as “revolution” or “molting.” the commentary emphasizes the need for old forms to be shed to make way for new, though only at moments when such transition is inevitable. sort of like a classical Marxist’s belief that the spirit of history calls comrades to action, as though history were one of the Fates. leaving aside my distaste for strict Marxism, with its fabulist eschatology, this hexagram feels apropos of some of the ways I’m conceiving of this project for myself. namely, I’m viewing the novel as a technique for change, an ethical endeavor with the aim at bringing about a different way of being. without delving too deeply into specifics, saved for the actual writing, I need to figure out: how to avoid making comprises despite knowing some compromise will be unavoidable; how to live a more full life, ie how to reject the givens of the reigning repressive Reality Principle; how to escape the chains of the internet without renouncing the obvious benefits it provides; how to not spend all my time doing shit I don’t want to do.

ko calls for a deliberate, methodical approach when faced with an irreformable situation, because timing is of the essence. wanton or reactive flailing will not lead to radical transformation, only ruin. this aspect seems especially important when considering that the hexagram in this throw is becoming hexagram 33, or tun.

I Ching Hexagram 33 - Tun
hexagram 33, tun

tun translates as “retreat.” but this is not the retreat of defeat, nor a flight made out of fear. destructive, overpowering forces advance, but through a considered withdrawal at the opportune moment, strength is demonstrated. both these hexagrams emphasize the importance of proper timing, which I’m not sure what to make of: will the time for [whatever action] make itself apparent? the idea of retreating to fortify makes sense, because I recognize that what I’m attempting to grapple with is liable to overwhelm me at times. but will the retreat be the result of the radical transformation suggested by hexagram 49? or will periodic retreat be an essential part of the process of revolution? I am both encouraged and unsettled by these answers.

also I think it’s time I try to read all of the Baynes/Wilhelm I Ching translation so that I’m not attempting divination half in the dark.

perhaps, wrt feeling like writing doesn’t matter any more, what’s important is that I act and write as though it does matter. which, again, I worry will only make me feel crazy. while attempting to pull off a personal revolution, I hope I can recognize the times where retreat is called for.

new moon in pisces

romanticism is an eternally returning defense mechanism against nature’s indifference/hostility that obfuscates a projected aggression on humanity’s part. nature is essentially good, purer than us, a source of salvation; beauty is not only worth suffering, but requires it, often self-induced and cascading outwards; instability walks arm-in-arm with passion and creation.

photo credit: dreamstime

but this realization does nothing to counter the experienced knowledge that Reality is often wantonly hostile, hence the natural occurrence of defensive/reactionary formations. nor does it negate romanticism’s usefulness in times of crisis.