sometimes it is impossible for me to extend the kind of generosity of spirit that usually makes me excessively empathetic and understanding–it’s like that well is just dry, and so I grow paranoid or indignant that whomever I’m interacting with only wants to stake further claim on a dangerously depleted resource of mine. I can be irritable, bitchy, nitpicky, belligerent, huffy. it is not attractive.
I need to give myself permission to express these feelings without concern for offending people or for not being understood. not like, go out of my way to be mean spirited, but I’m allowed to create an artistic space for those feelings to be sublimated into so that I don’t feel subjected to them without agency. this can produce interesting and worthwhile material, but only so long as I accept the consequences.
basically I’m trying to get to the Sontag place of going to the keyboard as I would go to a machine gun.
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