some jobs higher up the organizational hierarchy opened up that I feel no choice but to apply for. this on the day I sent out a newsletter that I’m proud of but feel conflicted about, since no one cares, I’m just spinning my wheels getting no where, barely scratching the surface of what I’m capable of because any greater commitment would make it too difficult to stay on keel enough to maintain the normal obligations of a typical middle class existence. (bourgeois coward). it would be easier to feel empowered diving into the derangement process of literature if I didn’t believe doing so would only cause me difficulty and psychic instability for the sake of self-aggrandizement. like, maybe if people were already waiting to hear from me (a cushioned ego), or if I had a good literary agent (bourgeois respectability). both of those, obviously, catch-22, require that I already have work published. but the work required to get writing published is all self-aggrandizing, self-branding, self-promoting, and the pathways so esoteric to me that even if I were less scrupulous with my egotism I wouldn’t know where to start. and that’s getting worse, not better: I made a new Instagram account, thinking I would use it to promote the music I’m posting to my Soundcloud and YouTube channels, but after three days of compulsively opening the app despite there being nothing to look at, I realized I can’t handle social media any more. so that’s one fewer “democratic” means for distributing my work. but if I don’t want to do the bullshit that might maybe no guarantee probably not actually give me a chance to make art full time, then I’m left keeping a day job, and looking at my resume, thinking about further embedding myself in an organization’s structure, the decades stretching out before me like an American highway, straight, flat, and with no discernible end….there is a plot against me getting this writing done. Guilt, Embarrassment, Fear, Sloth, Pride, these conspire, contracting Agents of Distraction and Discouragement, many of whom have invaded my mind…the task must be in ferreting out these rats, these accomplices of the Organization working to steer me away from the path of righteous splendor…..
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