it’s funny that i decided to have another go today at what i wanted to talk about yesterday, publishing and submitting stories, because i got another rejection today. most of the time i don’t get discouraged but i am getting a little tired of this story being rejected. hope all those places were being honest when they so kindly and personally told me in a form rejection that it’s not about how good the story is, it’s just not a good fit for their publishing needs at the present time. not for my own edification or anything, because i really don’t care what they think, but today i used that story as the main piece of writing i submitted with an application to the MFA program at Naropa University in Boulder CO.
do i even want to go to an MFA program? i don’t know. i spent a lot of time disdaining MFAs for being scams, wastes of people’s time, and for being a product of the midcentury American empire building project enjoying the financial support of the CIA. but there’s no denying the benefits to fully devoting time to writing editing workshopping etc. so seeing if i have the option to go costs me the $60 application fee. and at Naropa at least I can take yoga classes and other woo-woo bullshit.
but submitting stories. it might be better if i stop worrying about it for now and only work on getting the stories i have finished so that i’m not just sending this one story all over the place. this morning i finally got back into fiction writing after almost three weeks out of it (due to a trip and then an illness). that story is the one that i started out just riffing on zoomer/internet slang that turned into a weird surreal thing that i felt i might have written myself into a corner on. but i think i can get out of it. something i notice about my plotting is i tend to know where i want something to go, but in the process of writing i end up somewhere totally unexpected, and then i’m faced with the choice of either scrapping what i had planned or finagling my way back to what i set out to do. with this story i didn’t have a plan so much as i had a kind of premise i was thinking of, but now i’m not sure if the premise is even good, or what. what i need to do is write more, and think less, and then if pieces don’t fit together perfectly that’s fine, but then i can shuffle elements between different stories, or take something that’s incongruous out and use it as basis for something else entirely.
fished out an old old old story i wrote that’s not at all stylistically like what i write now, not in terms of the prose anyway, and i’m not sure what to do with it, because if parts of this story that’s getting rejected everyone are alienating to publishers than this old story is even more alienating, and also it’s not as well shaped in terms of narrative/plot. but it might be worth an edit or two before throwing it around to see if i get any bites (confusing metaphors in this paragraph, fishing the story out then using it as bait?)
yesterday i had my yearly performance review that earned me a merit-based raise of 5%. my boss thinks i should really start thinking about how to embrace my role as an “emerging leader” in the organization. he at one point said “you know you’re extremely competent,” and it’s true, i know that, but i hate it about myself. i hate that i’m very good at whatever job i’m required to do because the assumption when you’re very good at whatever job it is you do is that you’ll want to further your career in that job via promotions and so on. yes i have a degree that qualifies me for advancement in library work, and yes as my boss says i can do “public library work with [my] eyes closed”–i practically do, since this i’m writing right now i’m doing at my work desk, and i can’t say i’ve really done anything beyond the bare minimum needed to keep the library operating today, and most days i don’t feel like i’m doing anything at all besides wasting my time. being competent in this job isn’t hard, i don’t feel proud about it, any dumbfuck could do what i do. (i’m thinking now about what would happen if someone who works for this library system found my blog and read this, if i’d face negative professional consequences, and in the past i might have censored myself for that reason but i don’t give a fuck any more, this library system is falling apart, the people who run it are extremely incompetent and they actively hate the people who staff the libraries. for a long time i was very careful about what i posted online for fear of alienating someone or of disabusing someone of their illusions about me, and it occurs to me now that that’s really what ends up happening when i talk about wanting to keep people in the dark about what i believe, even though in my mind what i mean is being provocative and impish and coy. really letting all this shit spool out without much concern about if it’s making sense because it’s making sense to me. but no more of this going along to get along cowardice.)
what i’m getting at is that i don’t particularly like that i’m competent or “highly analytical,” or whatever, or rather i don’t mind being those things exactly (n.b.: people are attracted to competence) but i don’t particularly want to be known for being those things. i’d rather be known for being creative or eccentric or a little unhinged, which i am, but those are sides of me that i’m very good at hiding, for fear they’ll be weaponized against me. but the only way to prevent people from relying that i’ll want to be a good little careerist is to occasionally let slip that i’m a little deranged, and i shouldn’t be counted on for anything.
(also if we haven’t all noticed, we’re adjusting the expectation of what gets done here, because i think it might be unrealistic to expect 1600 words posted and also work 8 hours at my day job and also write fiction in the morning and also read novels and also learn spanish. that’s a fine goal to shoot for, 1600, but we should be satisfied as long as some minimum is reached, and most important is posting something everyday, since i think that momentum is actually helping me, both make these minor little breakthroughs and also in keeping people engaged with my internet presence.)
probably gonna watch a movie tonight after therapy. make some tea and popcorn.
I wanna read the story