today, I pulled the 8 of coins, which in the Raider-Waite-Coleman deck is depicted as a young craftsman in a workshop, diligently plying the pentacled disks representative of the suit. fitting that I’ve been working straight through since this morning, first on a bunch of boring start-of-the-week library operation stuff, then on wrapping up a couple portfolio items for my MLIS program that demonstrate my competency in areas D (“Apply the fundamental principles of planning, management, marketing, and advocacy”) and G (“Demonstrate understanding of basic principles and standards involved in organizing information such as classification and controlled vocabulary systems, cataloging systems, metadata schemas or other systems for making information accessible to a particular clientele“).
but I’m sick of that and I intended on writing here today, because I need to square up against myself a little wrt what I want to do. I am a cagey, aloof person; self-revelation and “oversharing” do not come naturally to me. additionally, I am paranoid about online surveillance, both by the machines and by witch-hunters. I strive to clearly perceive and confront myself through writing, even though I don’t usually write publicly in anything resembling realist narration about, idk, my romantic troubles or my mundane behavior. relatedly I have been known to speak disparagingly of opmhalaskeptical writing, the province of personal blogs.
however, I know this won’t work out in the long run. I bore myself when I write too much in my head, enumerating neurosis and abstracted considerations without referent to tangible, lived life. so part of what this blog is for is training myself to be less cerebral and more visceral, and for hardening myself against the horror of exposure. writing that has a chance of doing the tyrannically narcissistic thing I want it to do, ie let me influence other’s impression of the world, requires making an example of myself on the knowledge that what I present is intended to stimulate reflection or to otherwise provoke. which means like, knowingly and willingly shedding less-than-favorable light on my actions and desires, and refraining from passing public judgement myself. this is basically the only valuable thing someone can learn from the example of stand up comedy.
but, like, it’s not that I am embarrassed to say I watch bukkake porn or whatever. it’s sort of that I think it’s kind of boring to talk about myself and so I don’t think anyone cares what happens to me in my boring little life. or if I’m in a grandiose mood, the role of self-aggrandizing diva comes easy, but I generally avoid venting vitriol and petty grievances—the most intense of my motivations—as public writing because….well, in part because I previously had people in my life who would demand explanation for anything like that, and because I don’t want my artistic efforts to cause strife in my personal relationships. however, being an artist means accepting the consequences of your efforts no matter what, with the corollary that anticipated negative consequences are not in themselves sufficient reason to forego the effort. and most people around me now have been nothing but supportive of my work. and stating intentions or desires publicly is a powerful tool for self-catalysis. so, as it always is, when I am most hesitant about expressing something strongly felt, that’s when I’m on the right path.
right now I’m conscientiously staying “in my head” because this isn’t some coy evasion, like I have something “real” in mind that I’m not talking about. but tomorrow I plan to write a new moon report, something I want to do consistently, and I think it would be best to try narrativizing my experience rather than my thoughts. maybe I’ll even say a few things to make sure I’m embarrassed about it.
